I have a natural affinity towards history. I enjoy reading, listening to, and watching events, places, and people who affected our planet. In the absence of a good book or summoning, via Quiji, someone to talk to, I reluctantly turn to Hollywood. I enjoy period pieces when executed correctly. I especially enjoy them when their attention to detail is as thorough as a body cavity search done by Jeff Lewis hopped up on 8 Red Bulls. Wardrobes, backgrounds, mannerisms, colloquialisms, all help to make that time period and story jump off the screen.
Enter Valkyrie. Tom Cruise’s latest movie about a failed attempt to kill Hitler fails miserably at both the assassination and the period. Portraying a German soldier leading the assassination trumpet call, Cruise offers us his blatant attempt at Oscar gold with his line, “WE HAVE TO KILL HITLER!”. Powerful stuff except for one thing. Cruise decided it was unimportant to have a German accent and instead pulled from his repertoire of characters something more akin to Maverick from Top Gun.
Is it so difficult to ask your stars, during pre-production, to kick in a little time between borderline psychotic behavior and Scientology debates with television hosts to learn a little bit about the language of the person you are portraying? While no one expects Cruise show up on set and drop a, “Wir müssen Hitler töten!” deuce, he could have at least used a ‘V’ sound when he said ‘We’. Instead we get the same Tom Cruise we have seen in countless other movies. We have Ethan Hunt without the Mission Impossible theme playing behind him. He might as well have worn Stef Djordjevic’s Ampipe letterman jacket instead of the SS uniform. He couldn’t have picked up a Rosetta Stone or watched a few reruns of Hogan’s Heroes? What a pathetic excuse for acting. I’ve seen Jenna Jameson put more effort(so to speak) into her roles.
Cruise’s Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg is eerily reminiscent of Kevin Costner’s laughable excuse for a Robin Hood. Who knew Stauffenberg and Robin of Locksley both sounded so…Jersey?
(Aside: Could you even imagine being on the Robin Hood set during filming? Everyone else has some sort of discernible English accent except for Robin Hood? I guarantee everyone in the cast wanted to put a bar of soap in a sock and Private Pile him during production. Even Christian Slater gathered up enough gumption to piece together an accent. Costner should be ashamed at the farce of a movie he let be released. He couldn’t figure out the Queen’s English for one of the most recognizable characters of all time but channeled deep within his thespian talent for a Texas drawl as Roy McAvoy in Tin Cup? Karma’s a bitch though, did anyone see The Postman? Exactly. Ha Ha Costner you suck.)
So slap down your hard earned and maybe hard to come by money to go see Tom Cruise’s American interpretation of a true German event and what National Geographic pegged as the number 4 out of the top 40 assassination attempts on Hitler’s life. For crying out loud, Jim Cavieziel learned ancient Aramaic for The Passion of the Christ for christsakes! If the Cruise and the other producers of Valkyrie thought it was no big deal to the story to have the main character be American, why not just cast Paris Hilton as Hitler? It’s ironic this movie was about an assassination attempt because it’s what most moviegoers thought about after leaving the theater. Cruise should have just made a movie about the Inquisition because Valkyrie is torture.
- Gentlemen, you will permit me to put on my spectacles, for, I have grown not only gray, but almost blind in the service of my country (and bald...and cranky...and out of shape...in the service of being a parent) - George Washington
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