I realize our country has shrunk the gap once distancing the forbidden with the mainstream. Not that long ago mentioning the word ‘penis’ was enough to put your Aunt Wilma in the infirmary. Now Wilma is TiVoing ‘Tool Academy’ and ‘Double Shot of Love’. What was once considered taboo is now being shown on Spike TV as part of their Sunday afternoon programming. Boundaries are being crossed in a blitzkrieg of acceptance. So here’s a question.
Where was I when stripping became as mainstream as American Idol?
I had been of the opinion that strip joints were secluded to the avenues and alleys in towns that had no street lights and everyone on the township council actively sought to revoke their license to conduct their unique brand of entertainment? In big cities strip clubs were in the part of town no one went into without an unlicensed gun, bad attitude, and a roll of one dollar bills. Now? Now I am minding my own business, catching the latest episode of Brett Michaels saga to have sex with as many, shall we say morally loose women(insert your own colloquialism for them) on a tour bus as possible, and what flashes in front of my eyes during a commercial break? The Flirty Girl Fit exercise program.
The Flirty Girl, or the ‘Why Strippers are So in Shape’, program is an extensive exercise program focusing on grinding, ghost practicing your cement mixing technique on your dining room table chairs, and working a pole(I did not hear if the DVD, if called and ordered in some minute amount of time, whether or not you would be eligible for a special offer. Something along the lines of how to grab all the dollars off the stage while topless and in a g-string might really boost sales.) However, lucky purchasers of Flirty Girl have the opportunity to own their very own pole for just $1! How do you think an aluminum stripper pole would look in your living room? Too much with the curtains you think? Do you want that stripper body or not?
This is where our country has sunk to? We have taken the forbidden art of women stripping to loud club music and sweat filled bars of sin and turned it into something your daughter’s Girl Scout den mother is doing in her rec room as she tries to drop 15 pounds(FYI: She has had that 15 since her freshman year in college and her first introductions to ‘the Beast’) Strippers and their houses of temptation used to be kept under the cover of night. They were places we unfortunately only got a chance to go to for a bachelor party(or if we lied and told her we were bowling) and had strict orders restricting you from receiving a lap dance(You got one anyway though didn’t you? Of course you did.). There was an edge to strippers and strip bars. There was something inherently manly about a place where you brought your own beer and a naked as a newborn woman performed to rotten music, sucked up your money like a Hoover, and had you overpay for a little alone time with a torso tosser wearing more perfume than clothing. The Flirty Girl, mainstream acceptance of Jenna Jameson and other porn stars, MTV programming, and the Internet have all blurred the lines of what is considered taboo.
Frankly, I think strippers need their edge back. Our lack of excitement to a woman taking off her clothing is ruining strip clubs across this great land. Strippers do not need men and/or women entering their places of employment jaded to their routine of upside down gyrations, on a sure to be sticky pole, to the beat of the Techno version of ‘What’s Going On’ by the 4 Non Blondes. Jaded equals less money. Less money equals unhappy strippers. Unhappy strippers, well let’s just say no one wants to see that.
We need to redraw our borders. There are just some things that need to be on the other side of the strip club curtain. This erasing of taboos is infringing on our ‘fun George’ persona with our ‘relationship George’ persona. Women need to crack down on their men for going to strip clubs. They should not be asking to join them there. Your wife, clinging to a pole, held upside down by her calves and thighs, is not something a guy wants in his home. If you wanted the woman you love to be a stripper then you would have married your girlfriend from sophomore year in college.
Please return stripping to the forbidden allure married guys sneak away to go see in dimly lit streets where they inhabit. It was so much more fun when I knew I could allow my ‘fun George’ to come out not when my wife and I split a side of cheese fries while enjoying the featured dancer together. Our recent trend of giving former taboos the same blind acceptance the media has given to Ashton Kutcher’s career, is tearing down towers long built on their ability to avoid mainstream and stripping away all of the fun.