For the most part, I find the Hollywood universe and a majority of it’s inhabitants to be ostentatious, smug, overvalued, addicted to their own celebrity, and relish being rewarded for their work(Why else would there be three dozen award shows throughout the year?) Their narcissism overshadows any talent they may have once had or never had. That being said, I’m a total movie junkie. True the cinematic experiences I enjoy the most will win awards on the MTV movie awards as opposed to the Academy Awards but I plan to attend the 81st Annual Academy Awards tonight(from the comfort of my own sofa). I’m curious. I have seen some of the movies and would like to see what and who wins. At least until the season finale of ‘Confessions of a Teen Idol’ comes on at 11:30, then I’m gone.
-I’m 30 minutes late to the show. My girls and their bedtime have kept me from what I am sure was a rousing musical number to open the show(oh darn). Sorry Academy, my girls needed me to check under their beds for monsters. But I’m here so on with the show.
-Can’t ‘Animated Short’ be done with the other categories no one cares about? The ones they did last week that no one watched? Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black didn’t even shake the guy’s hand who won as they walked off stage?
-Hey there’s Brad and Angelina! She’s not pregnant? Funny, I thought that was just her thing?
-Benjamin Button won for best makeup? Huh? Did the Academy not see ‘Hellboy 2’? That movie had more makeup in it than an 80’s hair band. Benjamin Button was Brad Pitt made up like an old guy. Tyra Banks does more makeup work when she dons her fat suit and walks the streets during sweeps.
-Ben Stiller is a dead Joaquin Phoenix ringer. He’s hilarious. He has also rendered the ‘Cinematography’ award a complete joke. Everyone in the audience is watching him and not the nominees. So much for integrity.
-A Pineapple Express short film. How many times can you hit the same bong before you start sucking in the water? Stoners, Judd Apatow, and Seth Rogen are funny but can we please put down this roach clip? Think of a new idea guys.
-Oh good, a musical number. Time to see what’s on SpikeTV. I think MANswers is on?
-I love this new idea for the ‘Best’ acting nominees. This previous winner thing is pretty cool. Cuba, Walken, Joel Grey! Wow. I thought he was dead. I’m still waiting for him to reprise his role as Chiun in Remo Williams the Adventure Begins part 2.
-Oh good, Cuba Gooding Jr. seems to forget he needs to praise his nominee not do his own shtick.. It’s always good to see other actors try to steal even a sliver of the spotlight from their contemporaries(My bet? Cuba’s still pissed about his snub for ‘Radio’).
-What’d ya know? Heath won. Shocker. Brolin is pissed, I know it. At least Phillip Seymour Hoffman already won an Oscar and Downey Jr is just glad to be in attendance instead of watching it with his cell block buddies.
-Good lord, Bill Maher’s suit looks like he pumped it up with an air compressor. It’s puffy? Looks like water would run right off that suit too, like a newly waxed car hood. I think I see an air stem sticking out from his lapel.
-The poor lady who won ‘Short Documentary'(another category for last week) award had to take a shuttle to get to the stage. They had her sitting near the rafters with the people holding autograph books and wearing ‘I want Brangelina to adopt me!’ shirts. Maher thought he was going to be able to make a speech for her/him(‘Religulous’ wasn’t nominated, get over it Bill)
-Let me get this straight. Benjamin Button displayed special effects up to par with ‘Special Effects’ winners like Alien, Start Wars, Mighty Joe Young, Jurassic Park, and the Matrix? It was better than either Batman or Iron Man? Who the hell is this Academy? The guys giving their speeches didn’t even think they were going to win it.
-I’m beginning to think all the minor awards Benjamin Button and Slumdog are winning is a way to placate them because they are going to get forgotten come the major awards time.
-Jerry Lewis looks okay. He could probably use a telethon for himself but if I’m not mistaken, Jerry is older than the trees in my yard. Good speech too. Short and to the point. I was convinced he was going to give us some goofy face he made in 1951. Nice restraint. See you Labor Day weekend Jerry!
-Another musical number? I think Katt Williams is on Comedy Central?
-More music? Potty break.
-I’m back. What the hell is going on? Another commercial? The ‘Best Foreign Language Film’ is up next? $10 they put Benjamin Button in that category just to pad their stats.
-Queen Latifah is still relevant? I thought she would have been presenting an award at the Razzies after she made ‘Taxi’ and ‘Last Holiday’?
Uh huh. Yup. Didn’t know her…or him. Okay. Yeah I had heard he died. Awww. Sure. The chief of police from Robocop 1,2, and 3 died?!? I don’t know him. Poor film critic, no one clapped. Stan Winston is dead!? So much for an ‘Alien’ movie franchise redux.
-The director of Slumdog just won for ‘Best Director’. So much for my theory about letting them win all the little ones.
-The Academy better hurry this up. I have a season finale of ‘Confessions of a Teen Idol” to catch.
-Go Kate. My affinity for Kate Winslet borders on unhealthy. Have I mentioned I love this format with the previous winners? Come on already. Hot damn she won. I don’t care about a speech, ‘Confessions’ is on.
-This ‘Best Actor’ better be fast. I am missing therapy time with the stars and Cooper Lawrence. How in the world did Adrian Brody win a Best Actor? Michael Douglas is 178 years old and looks like he’s 50. He should be the winner of ‘Best Makeup’. Him. I’m going to root for Mickey Rourke for the potentially explosive acceptance speech I am sure he did not run by his publicist.
Sean Penn huh? The Academy knew better than to pick Rourke.
-This Oscar telecast is not seriously cutting into my VH-1 reality show time. Come on!
If Benjamin Button wins ‘Best Picture’ so help me….
Slumdog wins! 81 is in the books. I can’t wait until I don’t see most of the movies nominated for next year’s Oscars. For now though, time to see where Billy Hufsey is going to land.