Anyone lucky enough to have tuned in to VH1’s Confessions of a Teen Idol(CoaTI) were able to get up good and close to the burning grease fires that were the motley crew of former idols from years gone by. Not discouraged by their long since faded talent(if they had any to begin with), the group of idols, from Christopher Atkins to that guy from MTV’s ‘The Grind’, were dipped into the Hollywood Lazarus Pool by Scott Baio and Wayne from the ‘Wonder Years’ to once again have at it with stardom with a Sunday night reality show.
It should come as no surprise VH1’s willingness to begin combing dinner theaters, Hollywood alleys, unemployment lines, and rehabs(if Dr. Drew hasn’t picked them clean yet) for the next crop of long since forgotten teen idol rejects.
My unhealthy appetite for viewing Hollywood’s lost flock of mediocre talent has me excited enough to compile my very own list, a wish list, for a CoaTI 2 cast.
(Before I begin let me just say that Corey Haim is not on this list. We all enjoy Talledega car wrecks but Mr. ‘License to Drive’ needs A&E’s Intervention, not another shot at ‘Dream a Little Dream’ 2)
My Season 2 cast.
1. Ben Seaver. aka Jermey Miller.
Confessed to Howard Stern of a serious mental breakdown at 10 years of age. Could you imagine what 8 weeks of ‘Did Carol really puke up all of her meals?’ and ‘What’s with Kirk Cameron and God?’ questions would do to this guy?
2. Richard Millhous ‘Boner’ Stabone. aka Josh Koenig.
Yes I’d pull another ‘Growing Pains’ alum in(they had two from ‘Baywatch’ last season and besides Kirk would be caught dead on any channel but EWTN). I just think it would be funny to hear the onset psychologist say ‘Boner’ thirty times an episode.
3. Matt Brody. aka David Charvet.
The ‘Baywatch’ formula was gold with Hobie last season. No reason not to ride this horse till it falls over dead. He records albums…in french. I’m sure he could clear his schedule for a few weeks.
4. Paul Pfifer. aka Josh Saviano.
You would think Wayne could help out an old buddy here? We need Josh, if only to finally put those Marilyn Manson rumors to bed.
5. Jonathan Bower. aka Danny Pintauro.
Just imagine if we got to hear Danny say ‘Boner’?
6. Data/Shortround. aka Jonathan Quan.
I would just want to hear him say ‘booby traps’ and ‘Fratelli’s’ all season long.
7. Tom Lawrence/Buck Ripley. aka Chris Young
Where has this guy been? Everyone in PCU(a totally underrated movie) has continued acting except him? Even David Spade for gods sakes.
Honorable mentions or…Those who may have received calls but due to drug addictions, jail sentences or not being able to afford a phone to answer, missed their last chance at fame.
-Nicolas Bradford. aka Adam Rich. Maybe as messed up as Corey Haim?
-Andy Moffett. aka Mackenzie Astin. He could have explained why the writers decided to make him have a crush on ‘Jo’?
-Anthony Russo. aka Michael Stoyanov. Anthony…’whoa’.
-Brian Tanner. aka Benji Gregory. ALF has had more staying power and he was a puppet.
-Any random former idol who left their area of believed expertise to try something new like sing(if they acted) or act(if they sung).
Unfortunately for these hapless former stars, River Phoenix could get cast in a starring role before them. Yet, the lure of the Hollywood lights, fame, and money would have them forgoing the life they say they ‘love’ for another shot. For a bit part in Steven Segal’s ‘Under Siege 8. Ryback’s Revenge’, all would be ‘tweeting’ their former agents. All of them would no doubt be stuffing their pride in their carry-on along with their headshot from 1988 just for the opportunity to grab another shot at a career no one has missed. And it sure does make for great reality television on a Sunday night.