30 Superpowers Parents Have.

Parenthood is a daunting task. It can be like facing the Sinister Six without your web cartridges or having to slow down a breakout at Arkham Asylum.  I would go far as to say parents are superheroes come to life (minus the capes and masks).  I know what you’re saying. If parents are superheroes, they are like the Blue Beetle of superheroes (or the Spirit of ’76 if you’re a Marvel fan). But I beg to differ. True, parents have not benefitted from their space crafts being bombarded with Cosmic Rays, or bitten by radioactive spiders, born mutants, or being the last son of Krypton but that isn’t to say parents don’t have power.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Parents are loaded with powers that could put them on par with the heavyweights of the superhero world.  In fact, like the Watchtower’s long range scanners spit out the whereabouts of the Injustice Society, so too will I spit out 30 super powers parents do indeed possess (we’re like the Super Skrull times 10).

Eat your heart out Mimic.

  1. Super Speed.  Watch your child wander off the sidewalk and in to the street and you’ll make Barry Allen look like the Blob.
  2. Elongation.  Your kid drops their Littlest Pet Shop brush under the refrigerator. You’d have a hard time sliding a piece of rice paper under said refrigerator and yet you manage find a way inch your fingers in enough to slide the brush back out. Ralph Dibney stretches with envy.
  3. Sonic Booms.  If you thought the ‘Canary Cry’ could make your ears bleed, try blocking out the sound of a parent yelling ‘Go to Bed!’ who’s kids have been awake since 4am (and its now 11pm).
  4. Super Strength. Hulk may be strongest but carry two sleeping kids from the boardwalk to your hotel room five blocks away while on vacation has got to put you at least in Doc Samson’s category.
  5. Flame on. Okay, we’re not bursting in to flames and soaring through the skies but who is lighting the candles to the birthday cakes? Who starts the grille?  Who has two burnt thumbs and smoldering eyebrows?  That’s right matchstick, you.
  6. Telepathy.  How did I know my daughter was going to whine about wanting an American Girl Doll accessory walking through Target? I can read her mind easier than Professor X can scan the world with Cerebro. Just like I’ll know what sort of response I’ll get when I tell my kids its ‘bathtime’.
  7. Super Sight.  Seeing through walls would open up a whole slew of interesting opportunities however, it is not seeing through walls but seeing around walls and up the stairs (and when our kids roll their eyes behind our backs) parents are so adept at.  Made of lead or not.
  8. Hearing.  I’m relatively sure my wife could hear ‘Mommy’ even if the kids were on the 17th floor of a high rise and she were in the lobby for a Megadeth concert (while having explosions go off in the background).
  9. Invulnerability. Shrug off bullets? Trade punches with Mongul? How about going through labor for 12 hours? Not so tough now are you ‘Man of Steel’?
  10. Agility.  Spiderman has made a superhero career out of dodging bullets, mechanical arms, electric bolts, and Goblin grenades. It only takes one time stepping on a Barbie car before you learned how to navigate through the toys on the floor.
  11. Utility Belt.  I’ve seen medicine, tissues, pens, paper, makeup, money, wallets, extra pairs of socks, diapers, and snacks come from my wife’s purse. It would not shock me if she pulled a batarang or bat-cuffs out one of these days.
  12. Willpower.  Controlling jewelry from Oa may take a good amount of willpower but I challenge even the mighty Kilowog to ignore the pleas of children standing in the grocery store line who just have to have a Twix (he’d rather go one on one with Atrocitus I’m sure).
  13. Mind control. Mesmero did it to Iceman and Polaris in X-Men #49. We do it when we yell ‘Sit down!’ in a restaurant.
  14. Super Imagination. If you thought a big green dump truck or pair of scissors took some imagination to create, try keeping 2 starving kids content while you are waiting for that square thing from Applebee’s to light up.
  15. Wonder Twins Activate.  Instead of goofy bucket of water, parents transform into cooks, maids, teachers, triage doctors, therapists, counselors, and FCC agents. Better luck next time Zan.
  16. Getting the Truth. Golden Lasso of Truth? Nah. Leave those gimmicks to Amazonian princesses. How about a gaze so powerful, your kids will tell you things they did 4 years ago and never fessed up to.
  17. Teleportation.  There is really only one way to explain how any of us can make it from soccer practice to CCD back to dance class and make dinner at the same time. A ‘BAMF’, cloud of smoke, smell of sulfur, and a quick teleport to all 4 places (or blatant disregard for traffic laws and a lead foot).
  18. Rogue’s gallery.  Every superhero worth the symbol on their costume has a set of bad guys worthy of a gallery.  Joker, Doctor Doom, Lex Luthor, Green Goblin, and Zoom.  All worthy opponents but a pumpkin bomb or Doom-bot have nothing on drugs, alcohol, peer pressure, and bullying.
  19. Danger Sense.  Spiderman’s tingles when the Rhino is around the corner. Ours kicks in when the kids have been quiet for far too long.
  20. Energy Burst.  What a parent would give for a Miraclo Pill and a full hour worth of extra strength. Thankfully Starbucks now has 31oz of coffee (with an extra shot of espresso is just what the superhero ordered).
  21. Catch Phrase. “This looks like a job for Superman!” “Avengers Assemble!” “Shazam!” “Flame On!” “Don’t touch that!” “Behave!” “Stop yelling!” Any one of them, you know who’s coming.
  22. Weapons.  Dual Billy Clubs. Mjolnir. Adamantium claws. Boxing glove arrow. All good in a fight. Tweezers, ponytail holders, rectal thermometers, and that blue thing that sucks the snot out of noses…also all good.
  23. Technology.  A Mark IV Armor with uni-beam and repulsor blasts would be great but tough to carry on to a plane or in the trunk of your car next to the Pak-n-Play. We roll with iPads, iPods, and portable DVD players.
  24. Super Smarts. Reed Richards invented a Negative Zone Teleporter (and gave us Annihulus…thanks Reed), H.E.R.B.I.E, and unstable molecules. We figured out how to multiply fractions after being out of school for 20 years and how to use potatoes in a science project.
  25. Super Smell. Wolverine can track Sabertooth through Canada after a month. We can smell the first wafts of whatever it was our kids shoved in to the sofa to hide so they didn’t have to eat it.
  26. No Fear. We could learn something from Matt Murdock’s blindness. You can’t show fear in front of your kids as you are riding on a rollercoaster even if you are more scared than they are. They’re relying on you (close your eyes…it helps).
  27. Powering Up. Being Sector 2814’s Green Lantern takes its toll. Sometimes you need to recharge. Hal Jordan used a Power Battery we use power naps and “Parents only weekends”.
  28. Alter Egos.  Our kids think we help everyone tie their shoes, cut their food, remind them to use their indoor voices, and our generally mean all the time.  Little do they know their mild mannered burnt out parents like to cut loose and fun (but only after the kids are in bed or with a babysitter and only before midnight…otherwise we’d be too tired)
  29. Super Breath. We won’t be freezing Bizarro or Metallo in their tracks during a dust up in Metropolis, but the power of a parent’s super breath will cool hot soup and can soothe a skinned knee.
  30. Heat Beams.  Ok, we don’t have heat beams shooting from our eyes but man would it be nice if we did, especially around bedtime.
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