Its that time again for a thirtymag post. I have taken a liking to the idea of coming up with lists of 30. So much so, I have another one right here. If you’re reading this list on my site, thank you. But ask you to jump over for a minute to ThiryMag to see a great site too.
The time you spend in your car is directly proportional to the amount of junk you have in it. Or you might just be a pig. Or you might have kids. In my case, I spend a lot of time in my car (long commute) and I have two kids which means what is festering in my car is increased by a factor of 2.
I try to keep my car clean but I also try not to watch Wesley Snipes movies on TNT that start at 1am but that doesn’t work either. But there are times when I am forced to clean out my car for the safety of my passengers if nothing else. Cleaning out under the seats in my car can be a bit like going through the Trial by Treebeast on Aboria in Flash Gordon. Never quite sure when something might attack. I’m always amazed (and sometimes terrified) at what is lying in wait.
I blame a lot of this on my kids of course. They see my car as their own personal floating trash barge. But it would be unfair of me to place all blame on the filthy shoulders of my children, with an hour commute to and from work, I have amassed my own piles of junk. So what, you might ask, is lingering in the bowels of my Volkswagen? Let’s find out.
- Crayons. Actually what used to be Crayons. Now they are melted amalgamated blobs of colored wax permanently affixed to my floor mats.
- Books. Let’s just say I have a lot of money tied up in late fees due back to the Exeter Public Library.
- Food. Some fresh. Some, well, not so much. In fact, some could be ranked on the Moh’s Scale of Hardness somewhere north of Corundum. And some I should have already called Poison Control.
- Trash. Good old red, white, and blue rubbish. Everything from candy wrappers to receipts for gas I never gave my wife.
- Somebody’s keys. Seriously, I have no idea whose keys these are? I tried them on every door in my house and nothing. If anyone is looking for their keys, let me know.
- Random Areas of Stickiness. Usually spawned from a dripping lollipop or spilled soda or juice, these areas can sometimes be spotted by the dirt and hair clung to them. Other times you find them while changing the radio station.
- Barbie. So much for buying her that mansion. She’s naked, missing one-arm and hair looking like she spent the night at Ken’s frat house.
- Pool toys. It could be November and I would still find a pair of goggles from August.
- CD’s. A full catalog of all the latest from the world of Teen Pop occupying slots in my CD player. I’ve listened to them so long; I’m actually beginning to like some of them. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome for bad music. Maybe Selena Gomez Syndrome?
- Happy Meal toys. I drop $4 for a Happy Meal so the kids can get a toy they said they need to have and apparently so they could leave it in my car like some sort of time capsule to find later.
- Relics. Not so much turquoise scarabs or golden tombs from the King Tut collection, rather items from when they were infants. My kids haven’t played with a rattle in 5 years and now I know why. It’s been in my backseat.
- Napkins. Remnants from eating in the car come in mighty handy when you sneeze.
- Loose Change. Not the change in my ashtray. The coins that are wedged between the front seat and the armrest that I’ll risk a dislocated finger to try to get (unless it’s a Penny…then again, maybe a Penny).
- Coffee cups. Lots of empty coffee cups…I drink way too much coffee.
- The Graveyard. In the back deck of my car and I suspect many other cars, is the insect graveyard. Tucked in to corners of the back windshield, impossible to reach with our current levels of technology, lays the carcasses of many a bee that ventured there and never came back out.
- 1st Aid Kit. Responsible of me, isn’t it? Before you hand me my Lasker Award, I should tell you, all it has in it is one piece of gauze and a dried out antiseptic wipe. This is another reason why I keep the napkins.
- Sand. Like pine needles from your Christmas tree, sand from a trip to the beach has the staying power of your visiting in-laws.
- That. The ‘insert whatever random item fell out of the bag from Walmart that you couldn’t find and thought you forgot to get so your wife made you go back to buy another one’. That’s what I’m talking about.
- Newspapers. I tend to read part of the newspaper at work then take it home with me with the thought of finishing it. Instead, my backseat has become a collection of newspapers waiting to be recycled. Oooh, look, the Vatican elected a new Pope. Benedict. Wait, how old is this paper?
- Shoes. None of which are a matching pair and bringing in to question, what are my kids wearing on their feet right now?
- Mp3 Player. Why do I continue to buy my children anything?
- That Smell. Not sure what it is but I’m sure it has something to do with the food I found. Then again, a call to the Coroner may not be a bad idea either.
- Pens. I have more pens than a Bic warehouse sitting in my glovebox. I’ve tried the first 12 and none of them have ink but the one pink one my daughter put in there…or course.
- Dog fur. I have a dog who loves to take car rides and who also sheds fur like Ashton Kutcher makes bad movies.
- Baby Wipes. Which are now so dry, they could be used in a pinch if you didn’t have any 80 grit sandpaper.
- Capital One bill. This would explain the late fee that was on our last bill.
- $5. I’m not sure who dropped this but I know who’s keeping it.
- Pipe Cleaners. Really? What the hell are my kids doing in the back seat?
- Germ X. Have you not been reading this list? Of course I have Germ X in my car. I should probably be carrying the Salk vaccine and Tetanus shots too.
- Ummm…uh? To tell you the truth, I’m not sure what I have in my hand but it might be best if I close the door to my car now.