I don’t pray. I used to but that was a long time ago and was typically for selfish reasons. Passing a test, not letting my Mom find out I did something wrong. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I sat on the edge of my bed with my hands folded in prayer. I find it to be a useless endeavor. As this world so horribly points out, death, disease, despair, corruption, famine, suffering, and the Kardashians are still with us despite how much any of us pray.
Instead, I let events and situations fall where they may. I put my faith not in to an invisible omnipotent deity rather I put it in to science, facts, proof, and that we will eventually figure out we don’t care about celebrity reality shows.
The tragedy unfolded in Newtown, CT today only seems to strengthen my resolve that God either doesn’t listen or he doesn’t care (I use ‘he’ because I don’t believe a ‘she’ would allow this to happen). How could an all-powerful, all-knowing, loving god allow our children to be massacred? Wasn’t he watching? Didn’t he know this was going to happen?
These questions just add on to all the others I have had about this day. Why did it happen? How did it happen? How could we stop it or prevent it from happening again? Do we get rid of guns? Do we make stiffer gun laws? How do we help those who lost so much today? How do I get rid of this sickening feeling I have? What if this would have happened at my kids’ schools? How do I keep them safe?
I want to do something but I know I can’t ease the pain for the families and friends of the victims at Sandy Hook. I can’t change what happened, explain it, try to come up with a reasonable solution to it, or begin to comprehend what anyone involved is going through. In fact I don’t believe there are any words I could offer at this moment that would be reassuring to the parents and families who will have to go home tonight without their loved ones. So tonight, I will offer words to someone else.
I have placed my beliefs outside the walls of religion for a long time. So long ago that the last time I really prayed, I couldn’t say ‘…if I die before I wake’ because it scared me. But after what I saw today in Newtown, CT, I’m going to offer my words to God. I’m going to say a prayer for the victims. For their families. For all of those affected by what happened today at Sandy Hook Elementary School. I’m going to pray that somehow they can find peace and strength through this tragedy. I’m going to pray tonight for him to help us find a way to make sense of all of this and to prevent something like this from happening again. I’m going to pray that there is a Hell and the person responsible for this finds his way there. And while I’m at, I’m going to pray he helps to keep my kids safe.
Because right now, with so many questions left unanswered, with so much pain, and so much loss of innocent life, maybe for this one night, resurrecting my faith will be all that I can do?
I just hope tonight, he’s listening.