Last year, I sat down with my kids to write some new lyrics to the 12 Days of Christmas. The lyrics, originally written down around 1780 in England don’t quite stand up to the test of time. If you don’t believe me, find me 8 Maids a Milking and I will gladly concede the point.
Plus, I don’t have time; in the midst of the holiday season, to try and explain the difference between a French Hen and an American Hen. It is an endeavor I’d rather not undertake (rumor has it, the French Hen was too scared to lay any eggs…ZING!).
So once again, I pried my kids away from their iPods, the TV, their music, and fighting with each other (my 10 year old assured me that she and her sister were able to pay attention to all of their electronic stimulants when I asked her to turn at least one of them off) to sit down with their Dad to once again rewrite the 12 Days of Christmas.
Last year we had turkeys sweating, people drinking, and muffins. I wanted to see if another year older would add a little more perspective about the holidays and change the silliness of the answers. As you’ll see…not so much.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: My very own front yard.
M: What does a front yard have to do with Christmas?
7yo: So Santa has a place to land his sleigh because we don’t have a chimney.
10yo: And a place for the snow to fall so I can hit you with a snowball.
M: Emma…that’s very insightful. Hannah…challenge accepted. Next line!
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 White Buttons
10yo: For a shirt. Buttons.
M: Really? Kind of slacking this year don’t you think?
7yo: Big buttons! Like the size of Dad’s head!
10yo: That’s huge! (Both laugh simultaneously and uncontrollably)
M: I’m telling on both of you when your mom gets home. Next line!
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 Snowgirls
7yo: With snow-boobs!!
M: I..Uh..you shouldn’t…that’s not…never mind. Next line!
10yo: Don’t forget a snow-bra!
M: Next line!!!
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 Dogs a Barking.
M: We have one here, don’t you think that’s enough?
7yo: I want another dog for Christmas.
M: You know the rule, we get another pet, and I have to get rid of a kid.
M: Next line!
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 Golden Toilets.
10yo: I was going to say 5 golden butt cheeks.
M: I don’t know if me and your mom should talk to you two or we should schedule an appointment with a professional instead?
7yo: Gold toilets…that’s funny.
M: It’s scary how much you remind me of me Emma. Next line!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 Sparkling Snowflakes.
M: Well that is very nice.
10yo: I know.
7yo: Snowflakes made of slime!
M: Aaaaand that moment is done. Next line!
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 Red Vampires
M: That’s pretty cool.
7yo: Dad, I’m Team Edward.
M: Say that again and you’re grounded. When we’re done here, you and I are going to watch Blade and maybe even Underworld. Next line!
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Bags of Trash.
M: I know where we could get them. We’ll start in your rooms.
7yo: She does have a lot of junk.
M: You too.
M: Yuh-uh! Next line!
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 Daddies Dancing.
10yo: Just be careful you don’t hurt your knee again.
M: Oh, I can still bust a mean move my dear.
7yo: Nu-uh. Mom said you can’t.
M: You’re mother is jealous of my insane moves…and my knee brace. Next line!
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 Frogs a Frogging.
M: What the hell is a frog frogging mean?
10yo: What does a Lord Leaping mean?
M: Good point. Next line!
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 Cats Smoking.
7yo: Like the Pipers Piping.
M: I’m pretty sure that’s not what that line meant.
10yo: Yeah, but how funny would it be to see 10 cats smoking Dad?
M: It would be hilarious. It stays in. Next line!
And on the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 Babies Rockin’.
M: Like rocking to sleep or rocking like rockin’?
10yo: Shakin’ their booties!
M: Please tell me booties is for their feet and not for their rear-ends.
10yo: Shakin’ their butts!!!
M: *sigh* I really have an uphill battle with you two. Ok, big finale!
12 Babies Rockin’
11 Cats Smoking
10 Frogs a Frogging
9 Daddies Dancing
8 Bags of Trash
7 Red Vampires
6 Sparkling Snowflakes
5 Golden Toilets
4 Dogs a Barking
2 White Buttons
And my very own front yard.
7yo: Dad, don’t forget about the snowboobs for the snowgirls!