Welcome to the 3rd Annual Remix of the 12 Days of Christmas as written by my children.
For the past 3 years, I have tried to inject some new blood in to the Christmas classic, The Twelve Days of Christmas, by asking my kids for new lyrics. Each of the past two years has yielded a variety of answers that are both equal parts head scratching and hilarious so I sat down with them again to see what sort of answers they would give me.
Last year I had to beg, plead, and eventually order them to put down their electronic devices so we could do our remix. This year, I made them dinner, we all sat in the kitchen, and before they were finished with their applesauce, I sprung it on them (it helped that I hid all the chargers in the house for the past 3 days too).
Once again, I was eager to find out if another year gone by has given my kids any sort of perspective on the holidays. What I found out, like the 2 years before, perspective has less to do with it than them trying to one up each other for the silliest lyrics. Then again, I don’t know how I would have taken it had one of them, instead of 6 Geese a Layin’, said 6 People Signed up to Obamacare?
The holidays are about family, friends, good will towards man, but what I have found and what makes the holidays so much fun is, remembering to let the kid inside all of us to come out and enjoy the season too.
So without further ado, I give you our 12 Days of Christmas Remix.
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
11yo: A Brand New Dishwasher.
Me: Tell me you two did not break the dishwasher.
11yo: No. Well, I don’t think we did? Maybe.
Me: Eh…let your mother worry about it. Next line!
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
8yo: 2 Golden Tacos.
11yo: Yeah but not fish tacos.
8yo: I want beef tacos. With onions.
11yo: Ewww. Onions are gross.
11yo: Yu-uh. Dad, tell Emma onions are gross.
Me: I don’t know that now is the best time to debate taco toppings? Siguiente línea!
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
11yo: 3 Cans of Food for the Fish.
Me: Don’t we do enough for that fish?
8yo: We’re trying to keep him alive.
Me: Did you ever think he wants to be in a pond?
8yo: He loves us Dad.
Me: How do you know he is even a ‘he’…you know what, nevermind. Next line!
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
8yo: 4 Calling Boys.
11yo: Oooh, yeah. Calling boys.
Me: Stop! Stop the song! Hold on one second. What four calling boys?!
8yo: A lot of boys like me Dad.
11yo: I like a lot of boys Dad.
Me: You two are going to ruin this Christmas by putting your father in the hospital. Are you prepared to shoulder that burden?
11yo & 8yo: Yup.
Me: Next line.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
11yo: 5 Milky Way Caramels, even though I’m more of a 3 Musketeers girl but the caramel reminded me of the gold in the gold rings.
Me: I’m impressed you said all of that in one breath. You girls are really in to food this year.
8yo: I said Calling Boys…what’s the matter Dad?
Me: Just a pain in my chest. I’ll be ok. Next line!
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
8yo: 6 Yellow Lab Retrievers.
Me: Well that is nice. Is that for Penny (Penny is our dog who is a yellow lab retriever)?
8yo: No. One of my boyfriends has one.
Me: You are actively trying to give me an aneurism aren’t you?
8yo: What’s an anoorism?
Me: Wait a second and I’ll be able to show you…next line!
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
11yo: 7 Kids a Yelling.
Me: Just what I need, five more kids yelling.
11yo: We don’t yell.
Me: You want me to play the recording I have of you two yelling?
8yo: NO! YOU’RE MEAN DADDY!!
Me: I rest my case. Next line!
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
8yo: 8 Mom’s a Workin’!
Me: We could really use your mom to work more.
11yo: But then you’d have to cook more often.
Me: I thought you liked my cooking?
11yo: Next line Dad.
Me: Next line!!
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
11yo: 9 Cats Roller Skating.
Me: Nine cats roller skating…really?
8yo: Yeah Dad. That’s hilarious.
Me: That would be pretty funny. Ok. Next line!
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
8yo: 10 Beers Dad is Drinking.
Me: Not necessarily. It all depends if I have to assemble something on Christmas morning. Then maybe.
11yo: I see you have some beers in the fridge already Dad.
Me: I said maybe I would drink 10 I never said I shouldn’t be prepared to drink them. Next line!
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
11yo: 11 Lemon Cakes.
Me: How in the holy hell did you come up with that?
11yo: I couldn’t think of anything Dad so I looked over and saw the lemon cake we have. 11 Lemon Cakes.
8yo: I don’t like lemon cake. Can we change it?
Me: Maybe next year we’ll make a chocolate cake for you Em. Next line!
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
8yo: 12 Toilets Singing.
Me: Do the lids go up and down when they sing?
Me: I imagine them to all be baritones and basses.
11yo: And sing this song.
Me: With the roller skating cats. We put that on youtube and we have gold.
12 Toilets Singing
11 Lemon Cakes
10 Beers Dad is Drinking
9 Cats Roller Skating
8 Moms a Workin’
7 Kids a Yelling
6 Yellow Lab Retrievers
5 Milky Way Caramels
4 Calling Boys
3 Cans of Fish Food
2 Golden Tacos
and a Brand New Dishwasher!!!